RESOLUTION #1 Don't Be Afraid of Losing People

By the time we're in our 50s there's a good chance that we've experienced alot of loss.  Some more than our fair share. This can make sometimes us afraid to make someone angry for fear they may leave us. I know, because I've been through that myself.  If we let the fear of loss get to us, it will turn us into wimpy adults.

The way I learned to deal with this type of anxiety is to understand that other people will get angry with me probably more times than not, so I gave myself permission not to worry about them anymore. This has taken me a lifetime and I'm hoping that if you are a young person reading this, I can help you to get over this fear and, if you're my age or older and still have not I hope I remind you that it's time for us to get a backbone. 

The first thing to do is to remember why you started being anxious that you'd be left by someone in the first place. In my case, I seem to loose the people I love. First, my father, then grandmother when I was 13, a boyfriend when I was around 22 (I lost to cancer), then my mother (also to cancer) when I was 25, then my "work husband" I lost in a car accident when I was 28, then my husband and father of my children when I was 39 (also in a car accident). 

These events have trained me that whenever I'm content and grow close to someone, they die.  Because of this, I tend try to be a perfect friend, partner, spouse, mom, co-worker, etc. so I won't be left again.  This made me feel that I had to act perfect because if I did, people wouldn't leave me by dieing and they would be angry with me and walk away. 

Now, I realize consciously that someone who dies doesn't really walk out on you but, it certainly feels like it. Well I want to get to the good part of this, the good news is that this anxiety can be overcome. Outside of being counselled, we can take control of our decision-making. We can decide that no more are we going to be controlled by fear of abandonment. As stated before, I just decided that never again am I going to be afraid of being left behind. If I decide on what I call, "the worse case scenario", i.e. that someone will be angry with me, never want to speak to me again and I might have to replace that friend, partner, work support, etc. Now, I'm not saying it's easy but it's definitely necessary.

We have to free ourselves from being tied down and being people-pleasers.  When we release ourselves from that kind of stuff, then we can begin to live for ourselves and not for other people. Only then will we be happy in this life and the next.

If you find yourself experiencing these thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Please don't keep it to yourself. Please seek help from a church counselor or a county professional.  Both of these services are free to the residents and attendees.  I had to and there 's nothing wrong with it.  I'm much better for it.  My motto is "life is not a dress rehearsal", this is it and we only get one chance. Don't live your life for someone else.

Here is another song from my daughter, enjoy:

Some of Crystal's songs - I'm embedding the videos

Hi Bobby

I posted this page so you can hear Crystal sing.

I will send this link to your email.

Restaurants That Freeze You Out - STARBUCKS

A recent practice in many of the old "destination" restaurants has been to freeze patrons out.  A destination restaurant is one that developed their business model in a way that encouraged patrons to come in and enjoy the atmosphere.  They enticed customers with the allure of fresh brewed morning coffee, exotic blends, free wifi, and breakfast, lunch and dinner served while you sit on a large comfy couch, rivaling grandma's old lazyboy standard you sat on until you feel fast asleep.  Money was plentiful (or was I the only one who stopped in on my way to work and then again for an hour before I went back home), they welcomed us.  The atmosphere was warm, the coffee hot and the room was a perfect temperature (or if it wasn't, you could tell them and they'd change it for you).  I remember those days.  Recently, I've been visiting those same restaurants and the atmosphere is not as welcoming as before. 

The restaurants I find welcoming are the ones owned by small business owners. But the franchises like Starbucks and others like it are making a habit of  what I call "freezing people out".  I'd like to exempt Fuddruckers and Panera from these accusations because I've frequented those restaurants and they are always welcoming and the atmosphere and the people very warm.

I've recently visited quite a few Starbucks restaurants here in southern California and they are freezing people out and blasting their music so loud that customers have to yell to be heard.  They clean around you when your visiting and bang garbage cans when they're changing the bags out.  One night I was there and  young man was apparently ending a date with a young woman (seemed like a first date).  I remember that it was Valentine's Day and they were holding hands over the table, looking into each other's eyes.  He asked her if she thought they could make a relationship work and before he could finish his sentence, an employee came behind him and started banging the garbage around.  He spoke a little louder and the noise also got a little louder.  Annoyed he looked around at the worker as if to say "would you mind?" .  Honestly, I thought he was gonna punch him, but he didn't.

There was a similiar incident when a man was trying to read a story to his young son while they shared coffee and hot chocolate.  Chairs banging, sweeping (cleaning) between the two and under their feet. By the way this was not closing time in fact, it was around 2 - 3 hours before closing time. Once again, the customer got very annoyed. 

Many times I've left this particular place because the employees seem ill tempered and I didn't trust the atmosphere.  This from a place that once prided itself in it's customer service and making everyone feel welcomed.  Remember how businesspersons would be there for hours working on their computers? Now they're freezing you out!!  Is it the bad economy? Are we not spending enough? 

How can a place say come in and treat this place like home when money is flowing, then make you feel unwelcomed when we're all struggling and can no longer afford those $5 coffees?  Well Starbucks, guess where I go when I DO have money......yep, Panera or Fuddruckers!  I'm proud to spend my money there.  Take a tip from them Starbucks! and maybe your customers'll come back!

The Bluetooth

I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing someone talking on their bluetooth cellphone.  I was eating in a restaurant the other day and I heard someone talkng joyously aloud and laughing out loud as a result.  I assumed that she must be enjoying a wonderful dinner with a good friend.  Suddenly I recalled seeing the waiter bringing her over dinner for one. 

My curiousity got the best of me so I glanced over toward her booth, only to see her sitting alone, laughing and talking to herself (or so I thought).  I wondered if I should call 911 until I noticed there was something in her ear.  There was a bluetooth device in her ear.  She continued laughing louder and chatting even louder as if she was holding a conversation with someone sitting on the other side of the booth.  Apparently, this was normal for her.  In MY day...yep, I said it...we locked people away for such behaviors.

Today this is a normal occurance.  I don't think I can ever get used to seeing this as normal and I wondered if anyone was like me where seeing this still catches you offguard, even for a moment, until you remind yourself that we're living in a bluetooth generation.

NOT FORGETTING THE SISTERS

Step Aside?

As older women, should we "step aside" and let the young adults have the good jobs? Do we really have a choice? I wonder.  As many of you know, I moved from California to a small town in Vermont, I opened a store on the main street (that didn't fair well at all) then I moved back to California.  All in the past 3 years.  So, here I am in California and for the first time in my life, I feel pity for the 20 - somethings out here not able to find a job.  I find myself not resentful when I lose a job to one of them. 

Twenty-somethings are at odds!

Twenty-somethings are having a hard time right now and many of them don't deserve to be. They went to college like they were told to do, so they could get a lucrative job and now, those jobs aren't out there to be had!

I can't speak for other older women but my mom told me stories about when she was younger and how the country pulled together during WWII and after, during the Cold War. It was a different time then. I can look back and know that it wasn't always like this.  For the most part, you could trust your politicians and your teachers and community leaders.  As a child, you could walk up to a policeman and know they were working to keep you safe.  If you were lost, they'd take you home to your family. Now, they'd take you to the police station and call CPS to tell them where they found you and your parents would have to fight to get you back!

Times Are Changed

What are our young ones going to do. When they finish college and the jobs they were promised are not available?  If we don't step aside for the younger generation to get the good jobs so they can raise our grandchildren,  will the black market (of drugs and/or guns) be more appealing to them than any other job market?  Or will they follow many of their peers and chose not to have children at all. They have a long road ahead and I, for one, will make my own job and let them have the more attainable employment opportunities.  What do you think?